A public forum for illegal aliens, terrorists, gang members, criminals, and any other interested persons.
ASK HAL
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04/06/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,

I sell canaries to tourists who visit my quaint village in Chiapas, Mexico. But since the bird flu scare of 2005, business has been bad. Do you have any suggestions?

Dear Canary  Vendor,
You will have to find somewhere where there is a canary market. I suggest Los Angeles. However, you will have some competition.
04/06/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
I am a liberal Democrat. When it comes to Comprehensive Immigration Reform, I agree with almost everything that President Bush says. He is right that if we allow a guest worker program, immigrants won't sneak across the border anymore because they will all check in with authorities and the border patrol can concentrate on apprehending terrorists.

Dear Bush Loving liberal Democrat,
How will you be able to tell a terrorist from an immigrant?

Come on Hal, you know what a terrorist looks like.

That would be profiling.

Never mind.
04/06/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
I am a Chicano MEChA member. All of the problems of the world are caused by Zionist Jews. We could solve the problem and have peace with Muslims if we boycotted all Israeli products as suggested by Hector Carrion of La Voz de Aztlan.

Dear Chicano MEChA member,
If you have conviction of your cause, you shouldn't put any limitations to your boycott. You should follow the suggestion I gave to Hector Carreon.
04/10/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
My family and I are all illegal aliens who have been receiving free medical care from Los Angeles County. Would I be loosing any of my benefits that I now receive if I became a citizen?

Dear Illegal alien,
My wife who immigrated from Mexico has experienced the disadvantage of becoming a U.S. citizen. She did not have healthcare insurance several years ago. To receive urgent surgery she had to fill out a mountain of papers and pay a reduced fee of $600 to the Los Angeles County Hospital. If she had been an illegal alien, she would have received the surgery free of charge with little red tape. My advice to you is to stay illegal.
04/11/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
I am a U.S. citizen. I have a pressing question concerning the "pro-immigrant march" in Los Angeles on April 7th, comprised of as many as ten thousand illegal aliens and their supporters, proclaiming to be seeking "a pathway to citizenship for illegal immigrants; an expedited and less expensive naturalization process; education for all; and a stop to "racist" immigrant raids throughout the United States." Why do these "equality seeking" men and women residing in our country illegally not march themselves down to a United States military recruiting office and offer to show their patriotism to the United States of America by volunteering to enlist in a branch of the United States military?

Dear Citizen,
In the early 50s when I was serving our country in Korea, the U.S. military had a policy of allowing legal immigrants to become U.S. citizens 90 days after enlistment (this policy may still be in effect). I thought it was a great idea, but a small group of "peacenik" radicals protested the idea on the basis that it was a U.S. government conspiracy to use immigrants as mercenaries. But the piecenik movement of the 50s went unnoticed because America was United -- Hollywood loved America and even Mexico was a WWII ally.

If a plan such as what you propose were to be considered today, you would have the ACLU, MALDEF, La Raza, the Hollywood crowd, and all the America haters chanting the "mercenary" mantra.
04/12/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
I am an America hater. While I keep hearing you say that Mexican politicians are corrupt, why don't you bring out the truth about how U.S. politicians are also corrupt?

Dear America Hater,
You are right that there are corrupt U.S. politicians. But the big difference is that U.S. politicians hide their corruption, lest the open news media expose them. In Mexico, Mexican legislators have made it against the law to say anything bad about politicians even if it is true. It's called by some as the "law of respect."
04/19/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
I am a liberal reporter who wants open borders. I would like to know what facts I should avoid in reporting the news about illegal immigration.

Dear Liberal Reporter,
You should avoid saying that only 2 percent of illegal aliens are actually picking fruit and vegetables.
Avoid saying that 1 in 10 babies born in the U.S. are to illegal aliens.
Avoid saying that 13 Americans are killed each day by uninsured drunk driving illegals.
04/18/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
I am an illegal alien without voting rights. What is the best way for me to get laws changed.

Dear Illegal Alien,
The best way to get laws changed to your benefit, is to break them. This works very well in liberal and RINO cities and states. Some states have legislated Drivers Licenses and Driving Certificates for illegal aliens explaining that illegals will drive anyway so why not let them drive legally for road safety so they will buy car insurance (wink, wink -- nudge nudge).

George Bush says that illegals will cross our borders anyway, so why not just legalize them.

And the sweetest law to break is working illegally with a phony SSN (Social Security Number). Normally when any crime, misdemeanor or felony, is committed where the perpetrator "earned" his money illegally, his assets and money are confiscated. But when amnesty is passed, you will get all the SS credit and benefits that you "earned" using a fake SSN and your former employers who illegally hired you will get amnesty. It will bankrupt America's SS administration, but that's not your problem.
04/22/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
I am a poor Mexican living in the poorest Mexican state of Chiapas. As I understand it, in order to get legalized as a temporary U.S. guest worker, I will have to sign up here in Mexico for a job in the U.S. to work for an employer who signs up with the U.S. government. But I don't even have a birth certificate or any documentation that proves who I am. Moreover, I am illiterate (this email done by an expensive interpreter.) I am not used to government red tape and feel it just might be too much trouble to get one of those high paying U.S. jobs through the guest worker program. What should I do.

Dear Poor Mexican,
The only concern of greedy American corporations is the need to find cheap labor. You won't need a birth certificate nor is it a requirement that you be able to read and write.

Having said that, I recommend that you bypass all that red tape and waiting in lines by paying a coyote to get you to the U.S.  Once here, you will be in high demand by the cheap labor seekers because you will not only work for less than Americans, you will work for less than those of your countrymen who signed up for the guest worker program.

If you don't have the money to pay a conventional coyote, you can hitch hike to Mexico City where you can find smuggling recruiters in the downtown area who will make arrangements to have you smuggled into the U.S. on contingency -- you won't have to pay a dime until you are working in the U.S. Not only will they smuggle you, they will arrange a job for you which pays off the books.

Since you will be working off the books, be sure to save your dated mail envelopes, rent receipts, and money order receipts so that in about 20 years from now, when there will be another amnesty for illegals like yourself, you will be an eligible applicant by being able to prove that you have been an illegal alien resident of the U.S. for the last 20 years.
04/26/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
I am a compassionate Republican who favors amnesty for illegal aliens. And as a corporate president, I favor a guest worker program to provide cheap labor so that I can pass the labor cost savings on to consumers like yourself. I look at it this way: If President Bush signs into law a comprehensive bill which provides amnesty for the 12 to 20 million Illegal aliens and welcomes guest workers to the U.S., they and their offspring will be forever grateful to Republicans. Even though the newly legalized aliens and the new guest workers won't initially be able to vote, they and their millions of offspring will in the years to come, become Republicans and vote for Republicans. A good idea, no?

Dear compassionate Republican,
If you believe that ingratiating with illegal aliens will encourage them to become Republicans, then I want to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge.

As more illegal aliens cross our borders and settle in large states like California, Texas and Florida, congressional seats will be redistributed to these bigger states following each decennial Census. States with low levels of immigration will ultimately lose seats as a result. Unfortunately for American citizens, this seismic shift in political representation will actually be decided by non-citizens who cannot vote.
04/29/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal, I am an illegal alien from Honduras living in Los Angeles. Honduras has not yet petitioned L.A. for foreign IDs for their illegal aliens. Can I get a Mexican matricula ID and would it be of benefit to me?

Dear Illegal alien,
You really should get the ID because Criminal Friendly Cities like Los Angeles that recognize the ID, will make life easier for you. Mexican IDs can be used in lieu of a driver's license to access a wide range of public services in the City and County of Los Angeles. You don't have to be a Mexican. You only have to present a forged Mexican Birth Certificate to the Mexican Consulate in Los Angeles.

I have an Anglo friend who is a Criminal. Can he get a Mexican ID?
Technically, yes. But unlike our local authorities, the Mexican Government profiles. The Consulate might get suspicious of your friend if he has blond hair and blue eyes.

If I only have a matricula ID, what happens if I get stopped for going through a red light. Will I be deported?
No. Upon presenting your Mexican ID, the LAPD officer who stops you, will know that you are illegally in the country but he has orders not to hassle you about your immigration status. Deporting you would defeat the purpose of the ID. You will only get a ticket.

Will I have to pay the ticket?
No. You won't have to pay the ticket because it will be too much trouble to track you down. But to be on the safe side, you should have several false Mexican IDs to show on different occasions to confuse the LAPD regarding your identity. None of your IDs should have the correct address or contact information. LAPD officers will not be able to do a "make" on you to verify any information you give them. Remember, once an LAPD officer gives you a ticket, he's done and you are on your way.

What if I am a fugitive and get stopped for going through a red light in a car that I just stole. Will I go to jail?
No. There is no matricula ID database available to the LAPD as there is for valid drivers licenses. When you present your Mexican ID to the LAPD officer, he will have no way of knowing that you are a serial killer or that you just stole the car you were stopped in. The worst that will happen is that the car you just stole will be impounded and the officer will tell you that you will have to walk home. But you won't have to walk home if you steal another car.

I presently have a fake California driver's license, is there an advantage to also obtaining a Mexican ID?
Yes. There is a big advantage for criminals to use a Mexican ID instead of a fake (or valid) California driver's license. If you are stopped by an LAPD officer for an infraction, he won't know that you are a criminal if you show a Mexican ID. That's why it is a good idea to leave your California driver's license home.

What happens if the Mexican Consulate figures out that I am trying to obtain a Mexican ID with a false birth certificate?
Nothing. But they won't let you have the ID.
05/09/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
I am a member of an Islamic Terrorist Cell in Michigan. Our group is planning a major operation to kill Americans. We have an elaborate plan and don't want to get caught. What is your advice?

Dear Islamic Terrorist,
Don't have any video tapes of your plan reproduced at Walgreens.
05/21/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
I have a friend who is a Mexican citizen who is here in the states on a travel visa.  Is she able to get a California Drivers License?
J.S.

Dear J.S.,
No, your friend would not be able to get a California Driver's license because California law requires that she have a valid social security number. Tourists cannot obtain social security numbers. Your friend should pitch her passport and visa into the trash and claim to have been in the U.S. illegally before January 1, 2007. That will make her eligible for benefits under the Senate's new amnesty bill. The only proof required that she was in the U.S. before January 1, 2007 is a letter from you swearing that she was your house cleaner for the last several years.  That way she will temporarily become illegal which is a requirement to become legal under the bill's amnesty. Your friend will then be eligible to immediately receive a Z-visa which will entitle her to a social security number, a driver's license and much more.