A public forum for illegal aliens, terrorists, gang members, criminals, and any other interested persons.
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03/18/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
I am an Islamic terrorist who belongs to a terrorist cell in Los Angeles. I have been able to move about L.A. without raising suspicion by disguising myself as an illegal alien. What is the best way to make my way into a federal building?
Dear Terrorist,
If you don't already have a matricula ID, you can get a fake one in the Mac Arthur Park area of L.A. for $40.00. If you don't have a photo of yourself, the friendly fake document vendor will take you to a small photo shop where they will take a picture of you for $10.00. I know this because that's how I obtained my own matricula. You should pick a federal building that has an IRS office within. Although matriculas are not allowed as IDs to enter federal buildings, the feds make an exception for illegals who need IRS advise on their tax returns. I know this because I asked the security guard at the Federal building who told me that he was directed to accept Matriculas. I even wrote the Assitant Director of the FBI a letter of concern which was never answered. At a later time, I accompanied my illegal alien brother-in-law to the same federal building in Van Nuys where he entered by presenting his matricula and telling the guard that he needed IRS advise (I would have used my own matricula, but the security guard might have gotten suspicious of me with my blond hair [what I have of it] and blue eyes, so I used my drivers license.)
03/18/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
I am an Islamic terrorist. I want to impress my boss (Osama Bin Laden) by killing American infidel children. I'm ready to give my life for Allah, but would much prefer not to commit suicide at this time so that I can kill more Americans another time. What is your advise?
Dear Terrorist,
Your best bet is to acquire a vending cart like the ones commonly used by illegal alien vendors. It's easy, I gave a vendor $50 to sell me a cart complete with chicharon. Disguised as an illegal alien vendor, you have a myriad of methods to go unnoticed as you kill Americans. In spite of the fact that the FBI warned that terrorists could pose as street vendors, illegal vending in L.A. is rampant. The L.A. city council passed the buck of responsibility to enforce the laws against street vendors from the LAPD to the DBS (Department of Building and Safety) and also the CHD (County Health Department). This was done so that the LAPD wouldn't have to waste their time on illegal vendors. Since the LAPD does not enforce illegal vending laws, they will never bother you. But just in case, make sure that you don't have any ID with you -- not even a matricula -- because the LAPD has a de facto "No ID and walk" policy. They can't cite you and it's too much trouble to take you in for questioning. On top of that, the officer would have to wait around for the city impounder to impound your cart (the LAPD is very good about protecting your property). Both the DBS and the CHD almost never enforce the law against illegal vending, but just to be on the safe side, plan your killing operation after 4:30 PM -- that's when those two departments clock out for the day.
Be sure not to warn anyone that you are about to kill them, because the LAPD might blow it for you. That's what happened at the school a few years ago where all of my three kids attended when they received a bomb threat.
A good way to kill kids is biologically. You can easily do this by loading your cart with food such as ice cream or chicharon laced with anthrax and selling it to the children after they get out of school. You'll make a few bucks too. You won't be suspicious at all because illegal vendors sell uninspected food to children all the time as depicted here.
After you finish selling the food, you can simply leave the cart or take it with you to use another time.
03/19/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
Hal how can the DMV 'grant' class A licnses to individuals that cannot/do not know how to test the air brakes on this monster trucks and still drive one? I just met a guy that claims he bought one for $2,500, from a DMV employee/insider of course! Isn't this a danger to the motorist of America?
Mandilon
Dear Mandilon,
You're right on all accounts. There is a nationwide epidemic of DMV workers selling drivers licenses to illegals. You can find them in Colorado, Connecticut, Virginia..., just to name a few. If you think it's bad now, just wait until the next post Bush flood of illegals arrives.
03/19/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
I'm a devout Muslim and I was deeply offended this morning when I had brunch at a famous hotel. The brunch was cafeteria style and I couldn't believe what I saw among the choices...there was BACON, SAUSAGE and HAM in the trays. This is outrageous beyond belief!!! I realize that people have been eating these trash foods in this country for over 200 years and the Muslim population is insignificant... but when will this offensive behavior stop? Allah will take his revenge! I realize that this is illegal immigration forum...but I qualify because I snuck in from Mexico.
Hassan
Dear Hassan,
I sympathize with you. Our U.S. Government should show the same sensitivity that the Brits showed to Muslim children when they replaced the Three Little Pigs.
03/19/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
A friend in CA sent me the link to your site. Great job with your hilarious spoof exposing government incompetence at all levels. Sadly we are compelled to pay for such rotten service at the point of gun. Ironically and just as sad, because of the illogical, incompetent and ineffectual performance of those charged with making law on our behalf, we are caught in a crossfire between idiot self-serving politicians pandering for campaign dollars or votes and those who have little regard for any law. Even sadder, we are stuck with this idiocy until American citizens quit using politicians and the government to force upon others their own personal agenda.
Ric in TN
Dear Ric,
You said it in a nutshell. There is nothing I can add.
03/19/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
What happened with the problem of street vendors in Van Nuys? Is it still going on? I'm in Orange County now.
Heidi
Dear Heidi,
Street vendors are a vital part of L.A.'s economy. In order to keep the economy vibrant, illegal vending is encouraged by Mayor Villaraigosa and the city council by virtually waiving the requirements normally required by legitimate businesses such as business licenses, insurance; or in the case of food sales, a county health certificate. In addition to boosting the economy, the illegal vending industry provided a career opportunity for my brother-in-law.
03/20/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
I live in Mexico. My job here pays about 50 pesos ($5) a day. I have heard of great job opportunities in the U.S. I would like to know the best way to get a job fast and become a tax paying asset to the community.
Alberto
Dear Alberto,
Here's what you do: After you sneak across the border, get a fake Social Security card made by one of the many fake document vendors in all of the major cities in the U.S. Be sure to use a vendor that will give you a card with a valid Social Security number, as random numbers can easily be discovered as invalid. $25 would be a fair price for a card. You can check the validity of the SSN that the vendor assigned to you by going to this website. Also, make sure it doesn't belong to a dead person by going to this website. It's important that the number on your fake SS card not belong to the name on it. That's so that if you ever get busted, it won't be considered felony identity theft. It will only be considered a misdemeanor.
You can then get hired. Don't worry about your employer getting busted for hiring you, because he is not allowed by law to ask you about your immigration status (even though he knows very well that you are an illegal alien). He must fill out an I-9 with all the information on you, but don't sweat it because the DHS only wants your boss to file it in his top desk drawer -- in fact they are quite adamant that you don't mail it to them. At the bottom of page one of the form, it says PLEASE DO NOT MAIL COMPLETED FORM I-9 TO ICE OR USCIS.
Don't worry about the W2 your boss will send to the IRS. The IRS doesn't care if your W2 has a phony SSN. But if they do find out, they will only tell you to straighten it out with the Social Security Agency as delineated in this case study. At the end of the year, go to the IRS and tell them that you want to file you taxes like a good citizen and want to fill out a W7 to receive your ITIN (Individual Tax payer Identification Number). File your taxes only if you have money coming back. The IRS won't care if your fake SSN doesn't match the ITIN under which your return is filed.
03/21/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
At what point and under what circumstance should the American start walking the walk after numerous repeated attempts to talk the talk to a servant government that seems to care less. How best do you see the American blending this so called Velvet Revolution into the last ten words of the 1st amendment to our constitution.
Your the best Hal
Dear PaleoCon,
Velvet revolutions don't work when the government is no longer by the people. The U.S. is like a drunk in a crisis who is about to hit bottom. The drunk has two choices: live or die. In a crisis, the U.S. has always chosen to live, but the crisis had to hit bottom first. We are in a crisis now, but complacency has lowered the bottom threshold. The 1993 attack on the WTC wasn't enough to wake up Americans; the 2001, 9/11 attack on the WTC wasn't enough either. It will take another attack of a magnitude that will dwarf 9/11 to hit bottom. Only then, will the American people take back their country.
03/21/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
I got knocked up three months ago. I'm not married, I don't have a job. I am in need of pre-natal and obstetric care. Here in Mexico, there is no such thing as "free" medical care, and besides, I want my kid to be an American citizen. What's your advice?
Maria
Dear Maria
Not to worry, go over some of the advice I have given to others on ASK HAL, on how to you can easily cross the border. Also, be sure to pick up the "how to" handbook put out by your government -- it has many valuable tips on how to avoid the dangers of illegally crossing into the U.S., and what you should do in the event you are caught. Don't worry if you are undereducated because the handbook is in comic book form to accommodate those who lack literacy.
03/22/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
I am an illegal alien who lives in Los Angeles. I would like to know if it is it against the law to carry my fake matricula ID around with me.
Dear Illegal Alien,
No, it is not against the law to be in possession of a fake matricula ID anymore than it is against the law to be in possession of monopoly money. However, if you tried to pay for a pack of cigarettes with the monopoly money, that is against the law. Similarly, it is against the law to use your fake matricula as identification. However, any LAPD officer would immediately recognize monopoly money, but wouldn't have a clue if your matricula ID was fake. I know the facts on this because three years ago when my ID was stolen, the case was under investigation by LAPD Detective Mike Pavelka of the Van Nuys Forgery Division. Pavelka told me that you can posses any forged document you want, as long as it does not contain a forged government seal as is the case with counterfeit money (Mexican seals don't count), and you don't use it to falsify information. For example, if you get busted for shop lifting and they find that you have a fake matricula ID in your wallet, they will only charge you for the shop lifting and not for being in possession of a fake matricula ID. I know this because when I was arrested in May of 2005 by the Garden Grove PD, they never said a word about my own fake matricula ID that they found in my wallet. Moreover, while Los Angeles made into law the official recognition of the matricula ID, the city ordinance says nothing about possession of fake matriculas.
03/22/07 Email exchange
Dear Hal,
I am a petty criminal here in Mexico. I already have the means to sneak into the U.S., but I need some advice on how to make some easy money once I get there.
Dear Petty Criminal,
Criminal opportunities here in the U.S. which are not available to citizen criminals are made to order for illegal alien criminals. I suggest that you come to Los Angeles and get into the Housewares business.
To get started in business, you will need a credit card from Bank of America. But first you must have a residential street address (not a PO Box) and a telephone to come off as a stable resident of the community. You can find a place that you can call home by searching telephone polls in the barrio for hand written ads by other illegal aliens who want to sub-rent a room to share expenses -- you know the kind of ad where you tear off one of a bunch of tabs, each with a hand written phone number to call. $60/mo is about right for a room with bathroom privileges. Once you rent the room, you will have an address to offer BofA (you don't really have to live there -- you just need to be able to receive mail) when you apply for a checking account. Go out and buy a pre-paid cell phone. The companies that offer Pre-paid cell phones do not require your address or personal information -- just cash. Now go to any BofA and open a checking account. This is easy, because you only need a matricula ID and $100 to deposit. After having your checking account for three months without writing any bad checks or over drawing, BofA will issue a credit card to you. Even though your spending limit will be just $500, it's enough to get started in your business. Go to Target or Walmart and use your new credit card to buy several hundred dollars worth of Microwaves, blenders, coffee makers, etc. Take those household items to one of the many swap meets in L.A. where you can sell the items quickly -- especially if you sell them at 20% off. Be sure to have all of the receipts for the items with you in case the cops check for sales of stolen goods. It's unlikely, but should cops show up to check, you can prove that your items are paid for. The cops might wonder why you are selling the items for less than the price shown on receipts, but they can't arrest you for that. Once you sell the items, withdraw any money in your checking account and close it, abandon your room, and get rid of the pre-paid cell phone. Don't pay what you owe on the credit card, they'll never find you to collect -- and besides, BofA has so much money, that you won't really be stealing from them. Since you don't have any expenses other than your room and prepaid cell phone, you stand to profit about $300. Invest the money to rent another room and get yourself a new pre-paid cell phone. But this time, purchase three different fake matriculas -- each with your picture and new address, but each with a different name (roommates, get it?). Then open up three checking accounts in three separate BofA banks and repeat the process. This time you'll earn $900. Get the picture?
